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Tuesday, August 3, 2010

No math, no sun ...Hold on a minute ! What the devil went wrong ?

When I was 16 there were two things above all else that I hated with a vengeance: math and the sun, and I am not talking about the tabloid I am talking about the ball of fiery hell in the sky.G422DS3UMWUD

The former was my least favorite subject at school partly because I always had disagreeable teachers and partly because I was useless at it. In fact, when I was 11 I was so bad at math that the headmaster (who actually was the third thing I hated with a vengeance) gave me detention for a week because I “pretended” to be so bad at math that I got a lower score than the special needs rabble rouser in the class. The sad fact was that he had beaten me fair and square by about 15%. I remember the joyful celebration I had the day I had my last compulsory math class and burnt my textbook vowing never to get involved with numerals again.

My other hate wasn’t as easily disposed of and in fact, it burnt me on a regular basis. Many kids in England are fair skinned by I was like Snow Whites lighter skinned sibling. Every time the sun shone and it was warmer than 60 degrees, I felt like an insect being singed by sunrays through a magnifying glass. I spent all my time trying to stay in the shadows. I decided I should leave England the sun baked land of my birth and move to a colder climate. I actually got as far as completing preliminary paperwork to go to a Siberian Railway Engineering school at a careers fair in London. The Yeltsin look-alike representative seemed please to sign me up but my parents insisted that my complete lack of knowledge of Russian could be a hindrance. In addition, this was only 4 years after the USSR dissolved so they were convinced I would be brainwashed and return to London as a KGB agent.

I then attempted to go to university in Helsinki but that collapsed due to funding cuts although my uni friend Prophet (who claimed to be an Israeli agent) later told me that half the people of Finland are members of a huge satanic cult so perhaps it was for the best.

My hate for sun and math was matched only by my love of the arts. I had been involved in drama, writing and the arts throughout my life and knew with certainty that I would end up as a writer with an overdrawn bank account in the North Pole. Things didn’t exactly go to plan. I now live in Florida. Yeah the hottest place this side of Venus. My job requires me to do math EVERY day. Lots of math. In fact nothing but math. I am going to set myself a goal of finding sufficient employment away from the math related corporate world with the next two years and hopefully get some snow thrown in for good measure.

2012 as the worlds end seems like as good an end date as any for my quest although talk about “trying to take the splinter out of your brothers’ eye when you have a plank in your own.” These Mayans are so bloody clever telling us about our demise when clearly their own apocalypse crept up on them unnoticed. Anyway let the quest begin.

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